Putting on music. Shelving old books. Trying to let go of this feeling of fear.

That was going to be the entirety of this entry. Then I realized I haven’t posted here since March of 2009. What a thing to write, to be my only record of 2010. But then that’s not true, exactly. I’ve left a breadcrumb trail on Twitter and Facebook, my life in tiny increments, thoughts and concepts I’ve been too busy (or maybe just too distracted) to expand on. Ethereal conversational snippets, Like Buttons pressed, nothing that will last except (maybe) a gestalt feeling of social connection.

One other trail. Visual. My photographs. Today I received my copy of the fiveonfive magazine photo annual, with one of my roller derby photos inside. There’s still some power, some sense of accomplishment, in having work published on paper; in the idea that something you produced was worth spilling ink over. I only became a league photographer for the LA Derby Dolls in September, and the photo is from the first bout I shot. It’s become embarrassing to me already, because I’ve learned so much, shot so much, in the last 3 months. But my evolution as a photographer is almost completely undocumented here, as is my deep involvement with the Derby Dolls. For that you go to my Flickr, or the LADD website itself, which my unseen hand has rebuilt and coordinated and maintained and will soon be rebuilding again, rinse and repeat.

I’d like to think that my evolution has been too fast, to intensive, for me to have spent time documenting it. But I know how many hours I’ve spent on distractions and mindless entertainment. The undone work presses on me, shoves and jostles me, tears at me. I think it’s always been this way, which is why I’ve fled the work so often. But that’s not happiness, that’s just distraction. I’m tired of distraction but I’m afraid of the magnitude of the work. Now we’ve come back to the feeling of fear, which is how this post started.

Putting on music. Shelving old books. Trying to let go of this feeling of fear.

Now we’ve come back to the feeling of angst, which is how this site started.

I was better when I was with you, even if I wasn’t good enough.

(07/365)

My new boots arrived. The last of my Christmas presents. The first day of new adventures. OKOK, that managed to sound both generic and pretentious at the same time.

The nice thing about the Nikon system is that you can toss lenses manufactured back in the late 60s onto a 21st century digital slr. In this case, we’re talking a 55mm Micro-Nikkor on extended loan from my friend Dave. On the D50, no, there’s no metering with this particular lens, but that isn’t too big of a deal when what you’re shooting doesn’t move, and you’ve got a screen sitting there showing exactly how the photo came out.

I chose the first shot for project365 because, narratively, it represented progress. New boots. But the other pics from my little product shoot do better to show off the coolness of a macro lens. With the clarity and magnification of this glass you can really see sharply the texture of my old boots: the fraying laces and tiny stitching, the worn black leather and the glinting metal eyelets.

As an aside, the key to getting hits on Flickr (besides, you know, being good at photography, and developing a social network) is tagging, tagging, tagging. And especially tagging for subcultures or interests or maybe sometimes you could say fetishes. I think these photos were up for 15 seconds before I was invited to join the Dr. Martens group. And though no one has ever left a comment, this pic of Tickle Me Elmo is one of my all time most viewed. Just because he’s wearing a ball gag…

(6/365)

One of the interesting things about digital photography is the artistic experimentation it affords, both because of the lack of processing cost, and because of the instant feedback digital cameras provide.

In this instance, I wanted to make an image that could only exist on a digital image sensor. Pure binary light, as it were, and something I wouldn’t do with film. These are actually Christmas lights in the backyard. Decorative lights around the new pool that we’ve decided to leave there year round.

The photo in no way conveys it, but it was dark and freezing cold when I went out to shoot this. I defocused on purpose, and exposed to blow out the image sensor. The resulting images looked, to me, like astronomical phenomena, exploding frictionless nebulae, or like strange microbes swimming through luminescent medium.

(5/365)

Sharp exposure and wonky angle thanks to the Gorillapod I got for Christmas.

This photo was taken the first day (or night) that I returned to college. Winter intersession at Mt. SAC. And though I’m sure I had a lot to say when I first shot it, that moment has now receded into the past.

What I can say now is that I’ve felt very different since I went back to school. I’m optimistic, and–this hard to explain and will sound vague–I have a rekindled interest in things I haven’t thought about in years. These updates, taking photos, fixing the site, these are all small examples.

Partly it is perhaps the mental stimulation, the reactivation of brain centers that have lain dormant too long. I think it is also, though, the sense of actively building towards a future again. As opposed to the terrified scramble back to normality that was last year.

I got As in both my classes, Logic and Microeconomics. That’s two down, 15 or so to go. And then transfer. It’s a plan, and I feel good about it.

(3/365)

Bonus shot:

(2/365)

I can’t count the number of times I’ve stood here, waiting for a bus to downtown LA, staring at that neon arrow.

On on side of the store is a couple exiting the brightly lit door, drinks in hand, smiling and laughing. Circling around each other and flirting. The other side has a door, too, dark and barred. Overflowing the dumpster, rotting and soggy cardboard forms a talus of trash. The two sides of this building aren’t even in the same universe. But that laughing couple will pass from one to other on the way to their car.

How many times have we all walked through this kind of parking lot to or from a bar, a club, a show? You see the dumpster and boxes and let them slide out of your mind. I can smell it, the mold, the spilled booze, the faint scene of urine, just looking at this picture. A thousand interstitial moments from a thousand late nights. We let those moments slide away. They’re not part of the pictures we’re making in our mind.

In lieu of my non-existent January 1st pic (see below), I’ve decided to  choose my favorite picture from 2008.

My favorite picture.

That I’ve taken.

Which is really hard.

My photographic interests include religious artworks, portraits, candids, party shots, landscapes, architecture, and travel shots.  Friends and family. But I guess when I think about one picture I took that represents the most of those categories, it’s this one:

Jeff as St. Francis

We were in Hawaii–I took a trip with my parents, brother, and sister. My friends Jeff and Cami had coincidentally booked a trip there at the same time. When Jeff & Cami got to Oahu, we met up, and they took me on an awesome adventure around the island. One of the stops was the Byodo-in Buddhist temple, a beautiful replica of a 900 year old temple in Uji, Japan. At the gift shop there you can get food to feed the koi, but Jeff quickly realized the birds flitting around the grounds were also interested. He put some in his hand, and got the birds to feed from his palm. Cami and I both took snapshots, and after this one, I exclaimed, “Jeff, you look like St. Francis!” A tour group coming up behind us laughed in recognition, and one lady said “It’s true! It’s true!”

I love the look of joy on Jeff’s face. This picture reminds me of not just the good times I had with Los Hermanns, but with my family, too, and all the beauty and happiness that filled our time in Hawaii. That sounds like hyperbole, but really, Hawaii is just that great. You feel like a grinning moron trying to explain how wonderful it is there.

If it was just a pretty picture, or a reminder of fun times, there’d be competition. But on a deeper level, this photograph also reminds me of how the symbols of our faith surround us. Even, of course, on the grounds of a Buddhist temple. For that reason, it’s my favorite of 2008.

The idea behind Project 365 is a simple one: 1 photo, every day, for an entire year. This is an idea probably nearly as old as art itself, but still a worthwhile challenge.

You might say that I failed before I even started. Because I didn’t fully become aware of the concept, and especially its Flickr incarnation, until January 2nd, I failed to take a photo on January 1st. The nice thing about screwing up right in the beginning is that there’s nowhere to go but up.

I’ll be documenting my try in this ever-growing Flickr set. I’ll also be making daily posts here, because it gives me something to write about–that’s another goal I have for the year–and very possibly be posting bulletins on Myspace for any of the following reasons (Checkmark those that apply):

• The audience overlap is tiny, or perhaps nonexistent
• Studies have shown that repetition is the key to getting peoples’ attention
• Large amounts of text looks ridiculous on Flickr
• Myspace bulletins are ephemeral
• Photographs are meant to be seen
• No one reads this anymore
• Contrary to my grunge roots, I have developed a need for approval from others
• I’ll never win Her love if She doesn’t see my work
• I like to annoy my friends with self-promoting spam
• Studies have shown that repetition is the key to getting peoples’ attentionÂ
• Other (fill in via comments form)

Anyway, this should be fun! And if you’re reading this and want to try the project yourself, take it from me, it’s never too late! Let me know and I will totally check out your photos!

On the eve of my return to school, I am, of course, confronted with my oldest problem: the inability to sleep.

This mere wakefulness shouldn’t come as a surprise. After two years away from college, going back was bound to cause all kinds of thoughts and questions and anxieties. Excitement, too. More proximately, I’ve spent most of this weekend asleep, incapacitated by a cold I couldn’t successfully ignore out of existence.

So here I am awake. I only bring this up because this insomnia worries me in and of itself. It fills me with dread, the idea that this time will be like all the other times, that I’m broken permanently in my ability to succeed. But this is a late night worry. A demon that attacks in the small hours.

The hero Gilgamesh was only ever defeated by one foe: sleep. The gods of Ur challenged him to remain awake for two weeks, and of course he failed. But his failure will be an inspiration to me: because if Gilgamesh could make a passable try at two weeks of wakefulness, surely I can deal with one sleepless night.