Okay, I’m taking a bet. Five dollars says Sean Connery will intone the following line of dialogue in his new movie, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:

“What you are, is an extraordinary pain in the ass.”

A week or two ago, I received by email a few photos my sister took last Christmas. Several of my cousins and I posed for some group shots. They were funny.

When I saw them I realized I had absolutely no self-awareness. I had no idea how I looked. I was twice the man I remembered myself being.

So I joined a gym yesterday. Today I started running.

I don’t mind running; I get into a groove and I can go.

For a half hour, today, I was on an elliptical machine. On the TV in front of me, impossible to ignore without a cramp inducing look to the left or right, or a disorienting stare up or down, was the Fox show Fifth Wheel. Superstars, at that, whatever that means. I have never seen a show for such a small amount of time and yet loathed it so greatly.

I think I hate modern culture.

Maybe I hate the world.

No, what it probably is, is I hate myself.

The Ramones – The KKK Took My Baby Away (MP3, 2.3MB)

I don’t know
where my baby can be
they took her from me
they took her from me

ring me, ring me, ring me
the President
and find out
Where my baby went
ring me, ring me, ring me
the FBI
and find out if
my baby’s alive

Pearl Jam – Keep On Rockin’ In The Free World (MP3, 7.6MB)

I see a girl in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she’s put her kid away
She’s gonna get ahead
She hates her life and what she’s done with it
That’s one more kid that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love, never get to be cool

Keep on rockin’ in the free world

Beck – Lost Cause (MP3, 3.5MB)

There’s a place where you are going
You ain’t never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That’s what you thought love was for

Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re lost
Baby you’re a lost cause

I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

No, of course, no one answers.

A triplet of mysteries last night—three missed phone calls. 11:10pm, two unknown and one from a phone number equally unfathomable.

Now the questions: is it one of them, finally calling back, trying to break the silence that has fallen, a huge impassable object, between us? Or merely one of my brother’s old friends, yet to learn (after all these months) that Joe has moved on to a different number?

No voice mail, despite three calls. So I’m left to wonder, here, early in the morning. When Joe wakes up, I will consult with him, and when the morning becomes less early I will, if my ignorance is still complete, call the mystery number, and fumble, awkwardly, to find out if it is anyone who wants to speak with me.

If it is anyone who wants to speak to me but felt too awkward, themselves, to leave me a message.

And as I write this, I think: The people I think might feel like that are the people I think it might be most good to talk to.

And here I thought it was just because the comments on your site don’t work anymore.

Time has been passing more quickly than usual, these past few days.

Hours come and are gone before I’ve even noticed their presence. The clock doesn’t register seconds, anymore, and minutes only come in decades.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I managed to avoid most of February 14th’s pressure by strategically falling into a deep sleep all day today; one which I am only now waking up from.

Valentine’s Day is a funny holiday, peculiarly unfair. Though it has the reputation of being a potential day of romance, it’s far more a day of possible romantic tragedy.

It’s like the scale is skewed. You would expect the good side of Valentine’s Day to counterbalance the bad; but it doesn’t. It can’t. If you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day is– no, it is, I really do believe in it as such– a great day to shower attention on the one you love. But Valentine’s Day, in this case, does not magically create bliss exceeding that of February 13th or 15th. It’s a formalized ritual, one of those bulwarks that keeps a relationship up.

But while it cannot create bliss, Valentine’s Day can bring horrible tragedy. It does not amplify happiness, but it does bring into sharp relief unhappiness. While it will not make a happy couple noticeably happier, it strikes at the heart of a recently jilted lover.

I’m not saying this out of bitterness, or a desire to abolish the holiday. Today I was a role-reversed Prince Charming, sleeping deeply, and I wish I had a Snow White to wake me with a kiss. I just recognize that, for so many men and women, the effort they put in is required to bring the Valentine’s Day tally merely to 0. The standard accoutrements of Heart Day– flowers, candy, cards– are just the baseline of behavior, and falling below that baseline is heartbreak waiting to happen.

Oh poor us, right? Right.

So I want, personally, today, to return to the Valentine’s Day I celebrated in Elementary school, when every kid who could brought a valentine for everyone in their class.

Scrawled today, here, on my site, in electrons instead of crayons, let me tell you all: I love you, my friends. Happy Valentine’s Day.

is this just another day… this god forgotten place?
first comes love, then comes pain. let the games begin.
questions rise and answers fall… insurmountable.

love boat captain
take the reigns and steer us towards the clear… here
its already been sung, but it can’t be said enough
all you need is love

is this just another phase? earthquakes making waves…
trying to shake the cancer off? oh stupid human beings…
once you hold the hand of love, it’s all surmountable

hold me, and make it the truth
that when all is lost there will be you
cause to the universe i don’t mean a thing
and there’s just one word i still believe
and its love.

its an art to live with pain… mix the light into grey
lost 9 friends we’ll never know, 2 years ago today
and if our lives became too long, would it add to our regret?

and the young, they can lose hope cause they can’t see beyond today
the wisdom that the old can’t give away
hey…
constant recoil…
sometimes life
don’t leave you alone

hold me, and make it the truth
that when all is lost there will be you
cause to the universe i don’t mean a thing
and there’s just one word i still believe and it’s
love… love. love. love. love.

love boat captain
take the reigns… steer us towards the clear.
i know it’s already been sung… can’t be said enough.
love is all you need… all you need is love
love… love…

love