(5/365)

Sharp exposure and wonky angle thanks to the Gorillapod I got for Christmas.

This photo was taken the first day (or night) that I returned to college. Winter intersession at Mt. SAC. And though I’m sure I had a lot to say when I first shot it, that moment has now receded into the past.

What I can say now is that I’ve felt very different since I went back to school. I’m optimistic, and–this hard to explain and will sound vague–I have a rekindled interest in things I haven’t thought about in years. These updates, taking photos, fixing the site, these are all small examples.

Partly it is perhaps the mental stimulation, the reactivation of brain centers that have lain dormant too long. I think it is also, though, the sense of actively building towards a future again. As opposed to the terrified scramble back to normality that was last year.

I got As in both my classes, Logic and Microeconomics. That’s two down, 15 or so to go. And then transfer. It’s a plan, and I feel good about it.

On the eve of my return to school, I am, of course, confronted with my oldest problem: the inability to sleep.

This mere wakefulness shouldn’t come as a surprise. After two years away from college, going back was bound to cause all kinds of thoughts and questions and anxieties. Excitement, too. More proximately, I’ve spent most of this weekend asleep, incapacitated by a cold I couldn’t successfully ignore out of existence.

So here I am awake. I only bring this up because this insomnia worries me in and of itself. It fills me with dread, the idea that this time will be like all the other times, that I’m broken permanently in my ability to succeed. But this is a late night worry. A demon that attacks in the small hours.

The hero Gilgamesh was only ever defeated by one foe: sleep. The gods of Ur challenged him to remain awake for two weeks, and of course he failed. But his failure will be an inspiration to me: because if Gilgamesh could make a passable try at two weeks of wakefulness, surely I can deal with one sleepless night.